Friday, January 7, 2011

NBA Tattoo Manifesto Installment 7: Michael Beasley

Name: Michael Beasley

Team: Minnesota Timberwolves
Position: Small Forward
College: Kansas State

Height: 6'10"
Weight: 235 lbs.

One of the best college players of the 2000's, Beasley was a standout at Kansas State, averaging 26 points and just over 12 rebounds per game in his Freshman season.  Following his freshman campaign, Beasley made the decision to enter the 2008 NBA draft and was selected #2 overall by the Miami Heat, just behind Derrick Rose. 

Beasley had a somewhat unimpressive tenure with the Miami Heat, averaging under 15 points in his two seasons in Miami.  After the 2009-2010 campaign, Beasley was traded to the Minnesota Timberwolves to create cap space for the club to take on the Lebron James' and Chris Bosh's contracts.  Since moving to Minnesota Beasley has had somewhat of a resurgence, averaging 22 points through the first 34 games of the 2010-2011 season.  Despite this resurgence, Beasley is still probably best remembered for several off the court incidents.  We'll explore those incidents through the lens of Beasley's ink.

Exhibit #1:  Jesus
Location: Left Bicep

Just your standard religious tattoo.  Its a Jesus tribute.  As we've documented, there are a lot of them in the NBA.  I'm a particularly big fan of this one though.  As I've said before, I think that tattoos should be tributes to the most important things in your life.  If your religion is a big part of your life, I can appreciate someone who wants to represent that somewhere on their person. 
In this particular tattoo, Jesus is carrying some kind of banner, but I wasn't able to track down what it says.  I think the first word is 'honor', but I can't figure out what the second one is.   

Nice job, Mike.

Exhibit #2: "Married to the Game"
Location: Upper Left Arm

I'm kind of a fan of this tattoo, too.  Its Michael's tribute to the game of basketball, his way of showing his love for the game.  Getting the reaper tattooed on your shoulder?  I don't really see the point.  Giving props to the game thats made you a multi-millionaire?  I can dig that. 

My biggest issue with this tattoo is that, if Michael is in fact "married to the game", he doesn't show much commitment to it.  He's kinda like a cheating husband - no matter how hard he tries, he just can't stop hooking up with bar bimbos on the side.  He loves his wife, no doubt.  He's just got a problem controlling his piece, and it ultimately takes a toll on his marriage. 

In the case of Beasley's marriage to the game of basketball, his metaphorical bar bimbo has been his love for marijuana.  The game of basketball is his wife, and he loves it.  But he just can't lay off the skanks (or ghanja in this case), and its threatening his marriage. 

With Beasley, it all started shortly after he was drafted by the Heat.  While attending the NBA's annual Rookie Transition Program, police responded to the hotel room of Mario Chalmers and Darrell Arthur at 2 a.m. to find a room filled with smoke and with a strong marijuana scent.  They didn't find any pot, but Arthur and Chalmers were both excused from camp as a result of the incident and fined $20,000 each.  Two weeks later, under the direction of Pat Riley, Beasley confessed to league officials that he had been involved in the incident as well.  He was later fined $50,000 for not coming forward at the outset of the investigation.

No harm.  No foul.  Beasley was $50,000 lighter in his pockets, but his NBA career hadn't even gotten underway yet.  No big deal.  Move forward.  Just play basketball and it will all go away - unless you do something really dumb.

Which brings us to ...

Exhibit #3: "Super Cool Beas"
Location: Upper Back

... Michael Beasley pulling a Michael Phelps. 

Beasley posted this picture to his Twitter account in September 2009.  Take a look at it and tell me whats wrong.  And no, I don't mean Beasley pointing to what has to be the worst tattoo in professional sports history as if its the greatest accomplishment of his life.

Side note to Michael: Are you fucking kidding me?  "Supercool Beas"?  What does that even mean?  Putting 'super' in front of 'cool' makes you seem like a 14 year-old valley girl who's only way of describing the depth of her emotions is by putting 'super' in front of an adjective:

"I was super excited when Brad asked me to go to the movies."

"That geometry test was super lame."

For Christ's sake, you're a professional athlete, Michael - not Lauren Conrad's new b.f.f.  What could possibly have been going through your mind when you got this tattoo?  From the Sally Jesse Raphael sunglasses to its placement above the much better "God's Son" tattoo, this piece just screams "tool".  You pointing to it with your thumbs is definitely not helping that perception.

(Taking a deep breath.)

Okay, back to the Twitter picture.

Still can't see what's wrong?  Look at the bottom right hand corner of the image, just behind the remote control and just in front of the 7Up bottle.  Still don't see it? 

Ok, I'll enlarge.  If you still can't make it out, thats a small plastic baggy filled with what appears to be the "sticky icky".  I can't say definitively because I didn't smoke it with him.  But I had enough stoner friends during my college years that I can recognize a dimebag when I see one. 

A week after this photo was put online, Beasley checked himself into a rehab center in Houston, Texas where he supposedly dealt with the issue.  Maybe its true, because his game certainly seems to have improved since joining the T-Wolves.  Maybe he finally decided to stop cheating on his wife with the bimbo from the bar. 

Call me skeptical, but as women frequently say, "once a cheater, always a cheater."

Friday, December 31, 2010

NBA Tattoo Manifesto Installment 6: Mike Bibby

Name: Mike Bibby

Team: Atlanta Hawks
Position: Point Guard
College: Arizona

Height: 6'2"
Weight: 195 lbs.

Mike Bibby only played two years of college ball at the University of Arizona.  In his first season, he led the Wildcats to a national title over the University of Kentucky.  Following his sophomore year, Bibby was drafted second overall by the Vancouver Grizzlies, where he played until 2001 when the Grizzlies moved to Memphis.  Shortly after the move, Bibby was traded to Sacramento for Nick Anderson and Jason Williams (the white one, not the one who killed his limo driver and not the one who crashed his motorcycle.)  Bibby guided Sacramento to the Western Conference Finals the following season, the highlight of his time with the Kings.  In 2008, Bibby was traded to Atlanta, where he has been playing ever since.

Mike comes from a large family of professional athletes.  His father, Henry Bibby, was a former NBA player for the Philadelphia 76ers.  His uncle, Jim Bibby, played professional baseball for 4 teams.  He has two cousins who are professional athletes: Robbie Findley, a forward for Nottingham Forest and the U.S. National Team, and Shaun Mcdonald, a wide receiver for the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Bibby's sister is married to Eddie House.

Exhibit #1: Assorted
Location: Lower Arms

Mike has a lot of interesting tattoos, many of which are dedicated to his family.  On his right wrist, Mike has his girlfriend's name "Darcy" tattooed.  Darcy is the mother of Mike's 4 children - Michael, Janae, Mia and Nylah.  Mike has each of their names tattooed on different parts of his body as well.

On his wrists, Mike has tattoos of his favorite psalms: 27 and 65.  For those of you who don't know those off the top of your head, those are "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation.  Whom Shall I fear?" and "Praise awaits You, oh God, in Zion.  To You our vows will be fulfilled."  He also has "WWJD" on his left wrist. 

Mike loves his Lord and savior.

Exhibit #2: NBA Hoop
Location: Left Leg


Moving on.

Exhibit #3: "Only God Can Judge Me"
Location: Right Calf

Actually Mike, I just judged you.  I said that net tattoo was gay and then immediately moved on, as if to say "This tattoo is so gay that I will waste no more time on it."  This tattoo is almost as gay as that one.  If I were you, I would start spending more than 20 minutes thinking about the things I permanently emblazen on my body.  "Only God Can Judge Me" is just a different way of saying, "I know I'm a fuck up by society's standards." 

I know you're a professional athlete and everyone probably sucks your nuts every time you come up with an idea, but you should just hire somebody to be your "no" guy.  He would have definitely put the breaks on these two disasters.

Exhibit #4: "Team Dime"
Location: Upper Back

By far Mike's best tattoo, at least until he screwed it up by putting his relatives' likenesses around it.  Why do I like it so much?  Simple.  Its because "Team Dime" is clearly a gang symbol, which makes me infinitely fascinated by it.  Don't believe me that its a gang sign?  Here's the rest of Mike's crew showing off their respective "Team Dime" tats.  Something tells me this group of young gentlemen didn't gather to raise money for their local girl scout troop. 

Anyway, back to how Mike screwed this tat up.  On his left shoulder is his mother, Virginia, who appears to be pissed about something - probably that her son tattooed her likeness next to a gang symbol.  On his right shoulder are his grandparents.  Mike's grandfather looks like one of the crackheads from The Wire and his grandmother, I'm sorry to say, I mistook for Mao Zedong.  That's not a joke.  I spent 5 minutes googling "Mike Bibby Mao Tattoo" before I realized that it was his Nana.

Not an attractive woman. 

What makes the "Team Dime" thing more interesting is that since Bibby signed with Jordan's Jumpman label, "Team Dime" has become a major part of the company's marketing campaign, as shown below in Bibby's personal "Team Dime: Air Force One" line of shoes.  So the biggest, most successful shoe company on the planet is affiliating itself with a street gang?

Only in America.